"The pain one brings upon oneself by living outside of evident reality is a greater and longer-lasting pain than the brief pain of facing it head on."
Richard Rohr
Here’s our paradigm shift. With our cognitive or cerebral approach, we still see the treasure (of being present) as something to acquire. And we miss that it is alive and well, inside us. We miss embracing that there is sufficiency, even when the well feels dry.
Terry Hershey
"For just as wood is the material of the carpenter, and bronze that of the sculptor, the art of living has each individual’s own life as its material."
Epictetus
Dear Friend,
Thank you for subscribing to the Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter! You can create and cultivate self-compassion by learning and practicing it. Engaging with a supportive community usually makes it easier. You signed up to receive this monthly newsletter as part of that effort. I will endeavor to inform and inspire you based on what I’ve learned from my personal experience. Please take the parts that aid your journey so that, hopefully, we can live happier, easier lives and explore together ways to treat ourselves better. Thank you for inviting me to join you on your journey! *
Last month, I wrote the longest newsletter I’ve written to date. If you read the entire thing, thank you! I will endeavor to keep this month’s newsletter more manageable. I also said I’d probably discuss attachments; I will, so let’s dig into the paradigm of attachment and its relationship with self-compassion.
A Buddhist teacher once said freeing oneself of attachments doesn’t mean you don’t own anything; it means nothing owns you. That’s an excellent way to think about attachments and a good place to start.
Most of us are surrounded by stuff and advertisements for more stuff. This stuff and the corresponding advertisements are all loaded with an implied promise. The promise usually goes something like this: If you buy this stuff, your life will be easier, and all your problems, at least with the specific issue related to the stuff, will disappear. Please note the promoters are using an if/then statement to imply that stuff can make us “happy”. The promoters are attempting to manipulate us by triggering attachments in our brains. These attachments feel personal and imply that stuff controls how we feel, as if something other than our true selves owns our lives and emotional well-being.
Yet being self-compassionate asks us to have agency over our lives. Agency means we own our thoughts, the feelings they generate, and the actions they trigger. Thus, to be more self-compassionate, let’s define an attachment, followed by our brain’s tendency to confuse pleasure with happiness. Next, we’ll explore one way to identify when attachments are activated. Finally, we’ll explore stillness and how practicing it helps us live more peacefully and contentedly with greater self-compassion.
First, what is an attachment?
Attachments are thoughts in our brain that our survival mind believes are necessary for physical, emotional, or mental survival. Please note I said attachments are thoughts, not things. As strange as it may sound, physical things simply trigger thoughts; those thoughts then generate the feelings we experience, and because the thoughts generate the feelings so quickly, our survival brain believes that the things make us feel the emotions. As an example, a new outfit, house, vehicle, person, or any noun (person, place, or thing) doesn’t make us happy, although they may help us survive. Yet things don’t have the power to make us feel anything emotionally; they can only start or trigger a series of thoughts. Physical things can help us prevent death, live more easily, or be more comfortable. Our survival brain likes thinking about the added comfort and energy savings the things create; those thoughts then generate the pleasant feelings we experience.
The reason attachments are thoughts, not things, goes back to the Formula for My Life (which I discussed in my February 2026 newsletter): you are the “My” in the formula; please make this formula personal.
My thoughts generate my feelings.
My feelings compel my actions.
My actions create my life.
First come the thoughts, followed by the feelings. It’s our thoughts about something that controls our emotional well-being. If we experience temporary emotions (persistent emotions are a different matter), our thoughts generate them.
To make things even more confusing, our survival mind lacks the capacity to process data logically; instead, it reacts according to a binary rubric: dead or not dead. Fortunately, nowadays we are rarely presented with obvious physical survival choices. In modern society, most threats and benefits we experience are mental/emotional sense-of-survival-based, so the dead/not dead reaction morphs into a sense of survival binary rubric of Good/Bad, Right/Wrong, Win/Lose, Help me, Hurt me. Additionally, because the survival mind lacks logical thinking, it cannot distinguish between a physical threat or benefit and a mental/emotional threat or benefit; it reacts to both types of stimuli using the same survival modes: fight, flight, freeze, grab & hold. The survival mind illogically treats physical and mental stimuli as the same.
Confusing Physical Pleasure and Emotional Happiness
The survival mind’s job is to keep us from dying physically or mentally/emotionally. Fortunately, though, sometimes our physical survival isn’t threatened. When our survival system doesn’t recognize any threats, our nervous system switches to a rest mode that physically feels very pleasurable and relaxing. Because our survival mind equates pleasure with happiness, it tells us we are happy when, in fact, we simply feel good physically. The positive sensations permeate our physical body, flooding it with compulsions to grab & hold onto them.
Ironically, though, as soon as our survival brain generates positive feelings, it tries to grab & hold on to that positivity and begins looking for threats to the positivity. Once it determines that something threatens the positive feeling it’s generating, it switches to threat mode and attempts to defend that positivity with negative-feeling survival modes: fight, flight, freeze. Thus, positive feelings often lead to suffering (I’ll probably discuss this irony in a future newsletter).
From a survival perspective, experiencing no physical threats is extremely desirable, so it quickly generates positive emotions. Because they happen so close together, the survival mind confuses these two experiences. In that confusion, it reacts as if they are the same, and if we are not present to the sensations we’re experiencing, we easily believe they are.
Except… they’re not the same.
Physical pleasure and emotional happiness are not equal.
If we feel pleasure, then we may or may not feel happy. As an example, think of the relief we feel when a loved one who’s been physically ailing for months dies. We feel relieved—a positive feeling physical sensation—they aren’t suffering anymore, while we also feel sad from our loss—an emotional negative feeling sensation.
If your survival brain uses “if/then” statements, then it has attachments.
My mentor, Tony, utilized the above pun on me to make a point. He said if my brain is using an if/then statement to rationalize something, it is setting me up for suffering because part of my brain believes it “needs” the if to survive. Yet, we logically know this idiom isn’t true. We will not die because we don’t get the newest thingamajig; we may feel disappointed; we don’t die, though. As to physical survival, we may feel physical pleasure when we are not feeling physically threatened; however, not feeling physically threatened doesn’t mean we are not in physical danger. Thus, “feeling” safe or happy sets us up for suffering because our survival brain takes an illogical conclusion as a truthful representation of reality and then builds plans on that distortion.
Remember, our survival brain has no capacity for logical thought, so it can’t tell the difference between disappointment and death; to it, they are the same, and it reacts the exact same way: fight, flight, freeze for things it judges as negative like disappointment or death and grab & hold for things it judges as positive like a goal achieved or approval of another person.
Therefore, our self-compassion increases as we become more aware of our survival brain's tendency to believe if/then statements.
How do we be more aware, though?
Stillness: the gym for practicing awareness.
(In this section—for most of my newsletters, really—when I refer to “we” or “you,” I am referring to our authentic or true self. I want to differentiate our true self from our survival mind; our survival mind evolved to prioritize our body's physical or mental/emotional survival. Our true self can choose to live authentically in joy, peace, and contentment, no matter the survival situation.)
The words stillness, centering, meditation, and contemplation all describe the practice of being present or consciously aware when our true self decides. Most humans have to practice being aware because survival didn’t build our brain/body systems to be aware or present in the present moment. Instead, our brain is designed to predict the future, looking for threats, or live in our memories seeking escape. Unfortunately (as developed by survival), being present and reasoning is calorie-intensive; however, autopilot is not. Our brain/body systems are designed to operate on autopilot, usually recalling memories to help us survive or escape familiar situations.
Ironically, survival has wired us to be automatically partially present when unfamiliar threats to our survival arise. When we encounter unfamiliar situations, our survival mind brings our reasoning brain online in the background to plan an escape. Thus, to be present in non-threatening situations, we usually have to bring our reasoning brain online manually, and that is exactly what our stillness disciplines teach us.
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I realize I keep repeating the mantra: practice, practice, practice. I also usually call stillness a gym. The “gym” is an analogy for a time and space dedicated to practicing the mental processes our brain utilizes to be present on demand. We use stillness to practice being present on demand, so our brain has the skills to be present in non-threatening situations, and the more we practice it, the more likely we are to use it in daily life.
How does stillness help with being present?
We begin our dedicated time of stillness by focusing on a chosen stimulus such as our breath, a mantra, our sacred word, or even a noise in our environment. For most of us, we stay focused for about one second, then our survival mind begins looking for something more interesting because it’s not used to being inactive while consciously being present; it often feels bored. By repeating this practice daily and not dying of boredom during it (remember, no logical thinking; it can’t tell the difference between conscious inactivity and physical survival threats), we slowly teach our survival mind that it's safe to switch to a consciously active, relaxed mode on demand. While in stillness, we learn to notice when our mind drifts from being present, and then we manually bring our attention back to the present using our chosen stimulus as a tether. Then, usually, for at least one second, we’re present. However, soon, our survival mind begins looking for more interesting stimuli again.
Fortunately, each time we notice we’re not present and manually bring our attention back, we plant another memory in our brain that we were present and we survived. The more stillness practice we do, the more memories we plant, and eventually it’s easier for our survival brain to retrieve those memories and believe it’s safe to relax. Thus, when I say practice, practice, practice, I’m also saying plant more memories for your survival mind to retrieve. This memory retrieval is a major gift of meditation, stillness, contemplation, and centering prayer!
My personal experience.
As I’ve mentioned before, in 2009, I suffered from terrible depression, and Tony told me in June of that year to begin meditating. In exasperation, I asked Tony, "What will meditation fix?" Tony answered, “Meditation won’t fix anything; it’ll change everything.” He was right. Since then, I’ve “survived” thousands of practices and planted thousands of memories for my survival mind to reference. Generally now, when my survival mind feels activated by triggers in daily life (which it frequently does), it’s easier to pause and wait for the reactive push to fade so my reasoning brain comes online sooner. Then, I can refocus on being the person I really, Really, REALLY want to be in that situation: I can be self-compassionate while also showing compassion for others.
Now, I’ll be honest, it’s not always easy to be present, and it seems to be getting easier for my brain to flare up as I age. Thus, I am working a bit more to stay in my Joy, Peace, & Contentment (JPC) as much as possible. By work, I mean the disciplines of Meditation and resting in nature. My morning meditation and, equally important, my afternoon walks are the spaces where I continually train my brain to behave the way I want it to in the rest of my life. I have some core values: I want to show up compassionately as much as possible and build people up. I can do that only when I show myself compassion. My meditation time and my walks are my self-compassionate time.
Practicing stillness through meditation and walks gives me the resilience to continually show up as the human I truly want to be.
Next Month
In next month’s newsletter, I’ll probably discuss awareness, especially separating my true self from my brain’s automatic reactions. The topic of awareness has numerous threads that weave together into a tapestry called self-compassion. In every newsletter, I’ll keep trying to cultivate more insight about each thread for both of us to learn from.
If you have a particular topic you’d like to see discussed, please reply and suggest it to me.
On a Personal Note: Self-compassion seems to be about energy.
I am discovering that self-compassion is an exercise in energy expenditure. I’ve noticed that, ironically, practicing self-compassion seems to set up my brain and body for friction between conflicting desires. I want to be self-compassionate so I can be strong to build others up. However, my survival mind tries to conserve calories by shortcutting the mental and physical processes of self-compassion. Watching all these contrasting dynamics has offered me a new way to see suffering. I’m starting to suspect that most of the suffering I (and possibly you) experience is simply a consequence of the survival mind conserving energy. It almost seems as if suffering is inherent in human experience as a consequence of saving calories.
In a few of the previous newsletters, I’ve mentioned Recognize, Manage, and Prepare (RMP). If some or most suffering is inevitable because of how our bodies are made, then managing mental/emotional discomfort becomes critical for being self-compassionate. I will continue to watch my mind and learn. I’ll also continue to let you know about my discoveries from that watching.
On a different note, in addition to my individual coaching, I’ve been encouraged to offer ongoing lessons about self-compassion. So, I am considering adding Self-Compassion Fill-Ups or Refreshers (I haven’t settled on a name yet; feel free to offer suggestions). I’ll hold these meetings biweekly on the weekends when I’m not leading the Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group. Please reply with any thoughts you have about this idea.
Your replies of encouragement, support, and love mean a tremendous amount to me; thank you! I thank God for this community. Each of you has been an inspiration to me. Thank you! As Ram Dass said, "We are all just walking each other home.” We are stronger when we help each other. Thank you for being so helpful!
Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group
2 or 3 days before each discussion group, I send a notification for the upcoming meeting. I want to respect your privacy, so I will not send you notifications about upcoming discussion group meetings unless you ask to be notified. If you would like to be reminded about the biweekly Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings, please write to me here and ask me to add your name to the notification list. This reminder notification list does not sign you up to attend; it only notifies you of the next biweekly meeting.
The Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group has been deeply impactful for so many. Please join us for the next one on Saturday, April 18th, from 10 to 11:30 AM MST.
The next two Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings are scheduled for Saturday, April 18th, from 10:00 AM to 11:30 AM MST, and Saturday, May 2nd, from 10:00 AM to 11:30 AM MDT. Please join us.
Click this HYPERLINK "https://donate.stripe.com/8x2cMU60meyX4MYdUW3Nm06"link to visit the Self-CompassionateLiving.com webpage to learn more and to register.
In each meeting, after a brief introduction, we observe 10 minutes of silent stillness, followed by a discussion of any self-compassion-related topics raised by participants. I may also spend about 10-15 minutes unpacking the themes that emerge in the discussion.
I humbly ask for a $10- $15 donation per session; however, all are welcome. No one will be turned away for financial reasons.
In Conclusion
By this point, you've probably realized that self-compassionate living is about building a new relationship with your brain, specifically by managing your mind to create your life rather than just reacting to it. Self-compassion begins with mind management, allowing you to live with greater joy, peace, and contentment (JPC) and experience fewer negative emotions. I have learned the information I share in these newsletters from spiritual teachers, philosophers, and psychologists during the last thirty-four years. I'm sharing it with you in the hope it helps you practice self-compassion. Please utilize the material that resonates with you and explore and learn about your mind. You can create the life that you want to live.
See you next month, and may the rest of this month be peaceful.
Thank you for inviting me to walk with you.
I believe in you!
Happy Holidays!
Blair
Blair@Self-CompassionateLiving.com
Self-CompassionateLiving.com
*I have made a glossary for many of the words I use in these newsletters, my classes, and coaching. You can find the glossary here: https://blairashby.com/glossary.html
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